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1:  - Category:     Work
SOCIALISM You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

CORPORATE You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

DEMOCRACY You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.

2:  - Category:     Work
How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.

How can you tell when a bully is lying?
You can hear them speaking.

Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.

I wouldn't say that my bullying boss was unpopular as a child, but her parents had to tie a lamb chop to her leg just so's the dog would play with her.

Q: How many bullies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. At least 4, plus a victim. One to hire the victim to screw it in for them, a second to supervise the victim, a third to start nit-picking about the way the bulb is being screwed, and a fourth to screw the victim by firing him. They take the credit though none of them actually touched the light bulb.

3:  - Category:     Work
Just sit back, relax, feel the tension leave your body ... picture yourself near a stream. Birds are chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Butterflies waft in the breeze. Leaves rustle. Nothing can bother you here. Nobody knows this secret place. You are in complete seclusion from that place called 'the world'. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you are holding under the water.

There now........ don't you feel better?

4:  - Category:     Work
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

Also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me always to give 100% at work...

12% on Monday,

23%on Tuesday,

40% on Wednesday,

20% on Thursday, and

5% on Friday.

Help me to remember...

When I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only four to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth!

5:  - Category:     Work
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

6:  - Category:     Work
"Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole." (Bumper Sticker)

7:  - Category:     Work
The Six Phases of a Project

1. Enthusiasm
2. Disillusionment
3. Panic
4. Search for the guilty
5. Punishment of the innocent
6. Praise and honour for the non-participants

8:  - Category:     Work
"I must protest at Steve Wright's reference on TOTP2 [Top of the Pops 2] to Shania Twain's assets with the line "you don't get many of those to the pound". I am amazed that in this day and age, the BBC saw fit to allow such an old-fashioned and out-dated comment to be broadcast. Everyone knows that nowadays you don't get many of those to the half-kilo."

9:  - Category:     Work
Recipe for trouble

Ingredients:

Bully
Bad Management
Hot Water
Target

In double broiler melt together Bully and Bad Management. Add lots of Hot Water. Bring to a simmer. Transfer to pressure cooker and add Target (but leave lid off). Simmer target in mixture until Target looks competent, then turn up the heat until achieving a rolling boil. Remove Target and strip it of integrity, self-esteem and dignity. Return to pot. Cover and wait for Target to explode. Reserve Bully stock for next Target.

Feeds many bullies.

10:  - Category:     Work
At a seminar called "Stress and Disease" by Dr. Nickolas Hall, an expert in psychobiology, gave an example of a coping skill for job stress which I would like to share with you. When you have had one of those 'Take This Job And Shove It' days, try this:

On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip". Be sure that you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that says "every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.

Now close your eyes and say out loud five times, "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip company."


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