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Doctor: "Did you take the patient’s temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"...
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I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
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Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says "Your money or your life!" An extremely long silence follows. "Your money or your life!" the thug repeats. Finally Benny says "I’m thinking!"
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A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
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I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
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If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
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Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
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I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world
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I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (
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